"Bitch Slap" Debuts at the Nu Art

Bitch Slap: A future cult favorite or a slap in the face to all low budget movies?

I should have been suspicious of this film when promotional material for it listed so many action verbs that it filled an entire paragraph. However, online reviews from the debut in New York seemed promising. One person compared it to Pulp Fiction. Since I’m partial to the genius of Quentin Tarantino I decided to give it a shot. Plus, the three babes that starred in the movie were going to personally introduce it at the Nu Art theater in West L.A., along with other members of the cast and production team.

Upon arrival at the second viewing of the night things still seemed hopeful. A throng of film buffs were gathered outside, some to see the film for the first time and others gathering to discuss what they had just seen. One patron mentioned that even though he had just stepped out of the film, he was going to buy tickets for the second showing and see it again. Okay, I thought, maybe there is something to this movie that promises girls, guns and action.

I was hoping for a meet and greet instead of the generic “Here’s our movie, hope you like it,” but was let down concerning this aspect. Apparently, the visiting cast would be in the lobby for awhile during the first part of the film to answer questions, take pictures and hang out, but this would defeat the whole point of going to see the movie. I would miss the set-up and not know what the plot was about. Upon reflection, I think I would have had more fun if I had hung out in the lobby and then gone home.

It is beyond my comprehension why no one told me the truth about this movie before I decided to sit down and watch it. The truth is this: it’s like a bad porno movie without the sex. It’s a movie that tries so hard to include everything that is “supposed” to be in a bad cult movie that it misses the point completely.

It’s true that there are a lot of scenes with scantily clad women, but they are inserted purely for the shock value and to draw an audience. There are a lot of slow-motion close-ups of breasts, butts and bodies, shown over a symphony of generic action music. There are also a lot of fight scenes, (mostly girl on girl), done “matrix” style. There are so many of them that they lose their value. I thought the movie was going to end about five times, but it keeps going. And the final “twist” at the end just leaves you going “WTF?” It has no point, no redeeming plot and was generally unbearable. I would rather watch a Girls Gone Wild video.

The plot is supposed to be a surprise; hence a lot of annoying flashbacks that occur randomly throughout the film and only serve to further confuse the viewer because they make no sense. To add to this absurdity, the flashbacks are provided “Memento” style, from most recent back to the beginning. The audience is expected to keep track of all of the “clues” concerning just how three chicks with barely any clothes on wound up in a desert to search for the “treasure.” Most of the flashbacks involve members of the cast set against an extremely low quality green screen of some gigantic proportion. My favorite part of this was when I learned that one of the women is named Secret Agent 69, as she supposedly skies down the Alps to avoid a raving bad guy.

Of course, there is the usual supporting cast: other rouges bent upon claiming the riches for themselves, the interfering but naïve police officer and the secret intelligence leader, (played by Kevin Sorbo). It is mentionable that Lucy Lawless also makes brief appearance. Aside from these two, I don’t believe there were any other actors, (or acting), of note in the entire film. By far the worst character was the random Japanese vixen; I am suspicious that she wasn’t even speaking a real language as she sliced things up with a bladed yo-yo.

I tried to laugh at some of the scenes, surely during a screening the people that made this movie had to realize how ridiculous it was. But I’m left to the conclusion that everyone involved took it way to seriously. It’s just one of those movies that tries too hard. I think the crew sat down with a checklist as they were filming: boobs, check; plenty of fight scenes, check; crazy weapons and the semblance of espionage and covert operations, check; and so on. I won’t say that no one should see this movie, but please don’t listen to any of the promotional hype surrounding what a great film it is: what you’re really in store for is a great heap of garbage that would make just about anything else seem Oscar-worthy. This movie is now my bar for the worst film in ever.